Pretending all is ok, is not ok.
It's been months since I last posted a blog. I have found that some things that I love, like writing, can go by the wayside when life's challenges crop up for me. But I am gonna put that concept on blast and put my energies into writing, as I know inherently that it helps me. No more curling into a ball and hiding from life. Time to take the lead role in my own story!
FUCK YEAH! ;)
So lots has been going on in the world of Kelz. Some things have been good, some bad, some ugly. But I am still standing and breathing and I have love and hope in my heart, so that is freakin awesome. I am a unicorn warrior goddess after all and nothing keeps this gal down for long!
Where am I going with this blog you might be asking yourself, and if not, why not? lol as I am happy to keep prattling away, but I did have a purpose to this blog and you can see the title is - "Pretending all is ok, is not ok"- and I will delve into this. But first a little bit about evolving, or becoming more aware of our selves, our roles or paths or true soul purpose for being here and embarking on this magical roller coaster of a ride called Life.
Segue to Reiki here for a moment, as I really need to thank Reiki for so much! For all that has come because of it, for transporting me to a place within myself where I have started to embrace who I am...I really feel now that I was a robotic version of myself prior and through Reiki I have become more awakened and am now firmly on my true path - following my passion and sharing Reiki with those who come to me to receive it. It is most definitely not a job for me but my true vocation. And with all the lessons I have learned and are still learning, I am finding I am relating to many, many people and we can all use Reiki to help ourselves to heal ourselves. There is power and self love in that!
Now back to my story...I was aware within myself that all was not ok for awhile and I was just pretending so, so much and not being true to who I was...by pretending, I mean I was going through the motions, with work, with friendships, with other relationships, including the my own relationship with myself and I wasn't willing or even able to rock the boat or look at things too closely. I was someone who always strived for the approval and love of others and would put myself last to ensure others happiness...and OMG if that didn't work, if they still didn't love or accept me, wow that feeling was horrible beyond description and would make me feel so depressed, low and unlovable.
Now I am happy to share, that I have finally come to the realization that not everyone is destined to get on with everyone, and it is nothing to do with what we are doing or even who we are...some energies are just not a match. WOW, part of me thinks how great if someone could have told me that from birth and I wouldn't have wasted so much of my own precious energy on trying to fix things that are unfixable...but then how would I have learnt those tough life lessons that are essential for my own personal growth? I strongly feel we need to go through a plethora of experiences in order to have empathy and understanding and to grow stronger and become more aware of who we are and why we are here.
Through all of our life experiences and interactions we find strength and a depth to ourselves that we didn't know was there previously. Once we become stronger and more in the drivers seat of our own lives, we come to the realization that by the letting go of people, things, situations and even expectations, that are no longer for our highest good, we can really help ourselves. And while helping ourselves (self-care) we learn to love all the bits of ourselves, even the unpolished and tarnished bits! And when we truly love all of these bits of ourselves, we are no longer able to tolerate what is no longer working for us and we strive for the best for ourselves. NO MORE PRETENDING!
So back to the crux of it...when my Dad transitioned from this life, it happened so suddenly and so unexpectedly, but not only did his death occur, but so did other experiences I was not prepared for...they literally rocked my world and even prevented me from fully grieving for awhile. That is far from ideal, but it also got me to a rock bottom place that pushed me to either move forward one baby step at a time or to just give up. I chose to move forward. Thankfully!!!
I started to seek out answers where before I had not even thought of the questions. I began to question things I had not known that I needed to. I was awakening, little by little. I was becoming aware that I was not in the right profession (as a Professional Organizer), I was disillusioned with it and was pretending that all was great and at the same time I was also becoming aware that some of my friendships were not what I had thought they were or actually that they were what I thought they were, but that I was now not able to pretend that all was fine, and I came to the realization that they were not for my highest good. So I stopped pretending and well... I am now much lighter on the friendship front. I have made peace with this. And I have forgiven myself too, as in order to let go, which was a new experience for me, I used numbing tools, like alcohol (head smack) and this lead me to acting in less than stellar ways in order to let go of friendships that were not right for any of us. I am so sorry for pain that I inflicted, I am not proud of that part of me, but I am now in a place where I have forgiven myself and I am grateful for the lessons learned and my growth from those experiences. And I would like to take this time to say to those no longer forever-friends (whom I know most likely will not be reading this, but my intentions are for this to go out into the universe and find their heart centers), that I wish for them a lifetime of peace, love, joy, contentment and overall wellbeing. As just because our energies did not match, I wish them life-long friendships with others that do match.
Having what I call an "Awareness" or being empathetic and sensitive to others energies can be both wonderful and at times extremely painful. And I know this post is predominantly focusing on the painful side, but in doing so and bringing an awareness to it, I really feel we can heal a lot faster. We all experience the good and bad in life and I feel that ultimately being in a balanced state - not high as a kite or sunk to the lowest depths - is the way to fully live, grow and thrive. In saying this I am mostly an upbeat, positive happy gal who believes in the magic of life and lives in a constant state of hope, but I deal with the bad and ugly parts too and they can and have and I am sure on occasion still will, lead me down to the murky depths... But I have found ways and strength beyond measure to be able to pull myself back out again, to that gorgeous, magical middle ground of hope and joy... 💗